There hasn’t been much talk, much buzz about my possible run for the presidency in 2016 but that’s to be expected what with it only being the summer of 2013. My plan is to let the other potential candidates slug it out before I hit the campaign trail.
You’re probably thinking, “who is this guy?” My name? It doesn’t really matter does it since you wouldn’t recognize it anyway. My barber for the last twenty five years just calls me “boss” because he doesn’t know my name and much of the mail I receive is simply addressed to occupant or resident.
I don’t have name recognition but what I do have is new thinking and bold ideas. What I do have is a platform that I believe the majority of the people of the United States will support whether they are Democrats, Republicans, independents, members of the NRA or Occupy Wall Street campers. It’s a platform based not on improving things but on eliminating pains in the neck. Examples?
Upon my inauguration all hand dryers will be banned and immediately removed from public rest rooms. No longer will you have to stand there listening to a screaming hand dryer and then wipe your hands on your pants.
The National Security Agency (NSA) will use its high tech snooping powers to monitor voicemail messages. When the message says, “… your call is important to me, please leave a message and I will return your call promptly”, that person will have two hours to return the call before a swat team executes him or her.
Charging for air at a gas station will be grounds for imprisonment for not less than twenty years.
Cashiers not saying “thank you” will be required to go through courtesy training. Cashiers saying “have a good one” instead of “thank you” will be immediately terminated.
Showing menu items with the description, “this is our take on ….” will be sufficient cause to have the restaurant burned to the ground. It’s either a Reuben or it isn’t. Saying your take on a Reuben includes lettuce and ranch dressing on grilled whole wheat is just wrong and will be dealt with severely.
The owners of fine automobiles who take up two parking spaces so that they have a buffer on each side to prevent dings and scratches will be forced, along with their family members, to watch shopping carts slammed into that shiny paint.
“Buzz words” (examples: at the end of the day, throw under the bus, outside the box, game changing and buzz word) will have an expiration date attached. Use of a “buzz word” after that word’s expiration date will cause the entire document in which the word is being used to be erased (another task for the National Security Agency (NSA) which is reading your email anyway).
That’s about all of the platform that I am going to release right now. It’s new, it’s bold and I think it addresses the issues that have bugged Americans for a long, long time.
I’m charming, I’m always right and I never lie so what else do you need? I humbly ask for your vote. “Occupant in 2016.”