What would Mom, Aunt Helen and Aunt Ruthie do?

My son, Timmy, will be six on Friday and Emily, Cathy’s girl, will be eight on Saturday.  So many kids in the family and that means way too many birthday parties and that means my wife and her sisters are doing the same thing that my mom and aunts used to do with all the kids’ birthdays: they group the birthday parties. It’s easier for the family and a whole lot cheaper, too.

Cleveland is having a good year.  The Cavaliers are in the playoffs and if you’re in the playoffs you have a shot at making the finals and the championship.  The Indians are also playing pretty well so far and staying healthy. With a better start than last year they might make the playoffs this year and again, if you’re in the playoffs you’ve got a chance to play in the World Series and win the championship.

Two contending sports teams and the city is also hosting the Republican National Convention  this summer so Republican delegates and Black Lives Matter and Occupy youngsters will be coming in from out of town.  Possibly two sports championships and a national convention and that means three potential riots.

I’ve sent a letter to the mayor about how my mom, Aunt Helen and Aunt Ruthie consolidated birthday parties and have asked him what he thinks about waiting until after we know if the Indians make the playoffs to plan a big riot/looting extravaganza for Cleveland.  You know, thinking about it if the Indians do get into the World Series and win that will be close to the Presidential election in November and that means another riot if Donald Trump wins. Four possible riots in one year, wow.  Help, Aunt Ruthie.

I know what mom, Aunt Helen and Aunt Ruthie would do, they’d plan one big event and that could be what the mayor might want to explore.  Fewer riots and less mounted police overtime cost for the city and a chance for Black Lives Matter and Occupy to tear up Cleveland and then go home with a big screen TV.  Seems like a sensible idea to me.

The only down side is if the Black Lives Matter and Occupy kids come in for the convention in July and then postpone their rioting and looting until later in the year, possibly in November, will they be able to get off work in order to come back for the riot and looting activities?

Advertisements

Pretty great

There is no doubt from watching the various protests which have taken place over the last year that there are Americans who hate their country. As the TV news reports showed businesses being looted, buildings being burned, police cars being set on fire, police being attacked with rocks and gun fire coming from those rioting in the streets we heard their chants calling for dead cops, heard their foul language, saw their obscene gestures and read their signs which condemned America as a terrible nation. The rioters spit on the flag, burned the flag, stomped on the flag and one bright light even demonstrated how to use the American flag as toilet paper.
It’s funny though that as we watch these anti-American demonstrations and riots we never see any of the America haters pull out a pair of scissors and cut up their EBT (electronic benefit transfer) card. I guess we can all agree that free groceries are pretty great.

Can’t have that

“Sorry about the interruption. I can’t believe the horror of the terrorist attacks in Paris and how many people were killed and injured. People were massacred in Paris with bombs and guns with the attackers shooting into the crowd at a concert hall and patrons shot as they sat at their tables in a Paris restaurant. Now France has closed its borders and the French president says that they will be ruthless in destroying those responsible for the terrorist attacks and you have to wonder, who is next?”
So, anyway. You were saying that you need a safe space on campus because you believe there is a chance that you may receive a slight or a snub which might make you feel uncomfortable? Is that about it? Does that about cover the concerns in your life? Can’t have that. Let’s just see what we can do.”

Weight loss stress

When I was six or seven and we’d visit my grandparents every summer one of our rituals was to open the closet door in the living room and mark my height on the back of the door. Then we’d all march into the bathroom where I’d get on the scale and then back to the closet door to write my weight and the date next to my height.
“Look how much you’ve grown since last year” and “You’ll be as tall as your dad soon” and “Your mother sure must be a good cook” and “I learned it all from you, Mom” and everyone would laugh and then they’d put the script away until next year.
I can’t remember when that stopped, maybe when I was eleven or twelve. I know I stopped growing taller when I was about seventeen and my weight held steady for a number of years. Then up it went. I’ve always thought that I just needed to put on height. I think 7’2” would be about right on the charts.
As the years pass it gets harder and harder. You know what you should do and you think about what you can do. Are weight loss shakes right for me? How about a low-carb diet where all you eat is bacon and cheese? I always seem to fall back on the old reliable, reduced portions.
“Thank you, that German chocolate cake does look delicious. Just a sliver, please.”
You can’t start a weight loss regimen though without knowing just where the scale says you are now so I’ve made a decision to start in the morning. Before I take my shower I’ll step on the old scale to see where I am but then when I went into the bathroom the next morning I found myself in the shower before I remembered the scale.
“Golly gee, I forgot to weigh myself. I’ll do it when I get out”, but then I thought better of it what with my wet feet and the tiles which can get pretty darn slippery. Better safe than sorry.
After I got dressed and the slipping danger was no longer an issue I went back into the bathroom and made a mental note of the approximate weight of the clothes I was wearing—shoes, 5 lbs; socks, 1 lb; pants, 4 lbs; belt, 1 lb; underwear, 1 lb; shirt, 2 lbs; hat, 2 lbs; watch, 3 lbs; my wallet, 4 lbs and keys, 7 lbs for a total of thirty pounds. Then I stepped on the scale but not before remembering that the 9-volt battery which powers the digital scale might be getting old and from what I have always heard, older batteries have a tendency to “excite” a readout and increase the display number. It’s all about the gigabytes or wifi or roaming charges or something.
I decided that subtracting 30 or more pounds daily (or whatever the number which will depend on my wardrobe that day) from an unreliable number displayed on the scale was no way to start an effective weight loss program.
As I walked out of the bathroom and was thinking about how to accurately kick off my weight loss journey I remembered something that just might help me get on the right track and real quick. Why was I going through all of this stressful calculation activity when the information I needed was right there in my wallet? All I had to do was look at my driver’s license (an official state document so it has to be accurate) and there it was, my weight: 177 lbs. Alright. Just where it should be.
I wonder if that other German chocolate cake sliver is still in the refrigerator?