Heard enough

The snow was already about eight inches deep and it just kept falling.

“We should see three to four more inches by morning”, said Debbie Doppler, our perky, Channel 3 weather person, as she pointed to lines on a map.

And the people complained and complained about the cold and the snow and the dreary weather until maybe nature had heard enough and the snow storms ended, it warmed up, the trees turned green and it was so nice and it seemed like we had finally made it to the weather that we knew we should always have with sunshine and warm days and cool nights followed by more of the same.

Then the days got a little warmer followed by even warmer days still and then it got hot and stayed hot day after day and the people complained and complained about the heat and humidity until maybe nature had heard enough.

“We should see three to four more inches by morning” said Debbie Doppler, our perky, Channel 3 weather person, as she pointed to lines on a map.

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Watch out

As the weather improves the grill comes out and that means chicken, steaks, ribs, hot dogs and my favorite, hamburgers. So good and so simple and in no time at all I was almost ready to start grilling. I had everything I needed except for the ground beef, buns, onion and a new bottle of ketchup which meant a quick trip to the Food Express.

Pulling into the parking lot I had the route all mapped out—produce department for the onion, meat department for the ground beef, a turn down aisle 7 for the ketchup and then over to the bakery department for buns before going through the express checkout. The whole trip shouldn’t take more than 15 minutes tops and then back to turn on the grill which meant we would be biting into delicious cheeseburgers in just about thirty minutes. It should have been thirty minutes but after picking up the onion and ground beef I turned into aisle 7 for the ketchup which is about halfway down on the right side where that little woman with the short blond haircut is turning her cart to block the aisle.

“Why, hello there”, she said.

“Hi, Nancy.”

“Looks like you might be having hamburgers tonight. I love a good burger. Jim likes them too but the doctor said that he should cut down on red meat but I don’t think his problem is meat at all. I think it’s gluten or lactose that make his feet swell but it might be those new shoes I told him not to buy. I had a pair of shoes that gave me problems, they were blue to go with my dress for Carol’s wedding, she’s expecting you know, their third but I don’t know how long she and Bob will stay together with his job thing and all…”

“Help.”

I stood there blocked from getting to the ketchup until a young mother pushing her son in the cart said, “Excuse me” and I made a big deal about getting out of her way by turning my cart around and heading back up the aisle. I waved goodbye to Nancy who was now talking to some guy pushing a cart with an eight pack of Bud Light and a bag of chips.

Forget the ketchup. Get the buns and get out.

If they have an app that will find your car or your keys or your phone or get you from here to there, and they do, then they should have an app to prevent these deadly encounters and they do and it just came out.

It works off of Facebook or Twitter or about any phone app that identifies the person on the phone. The app doesn’t track people to find out if they are gambling or carrying on with a workplace sweetie, that’s the business of the NSA people. What this app does is let you know if a “Nancy” is close to invading your space and ready to strike. It alerts you to take evasive action so that you can steer clear and avoid that painful encounter.

Punch in your “Nancy” and it sends an alert when she is within 50 feet which allows you to get the buns first and then come back to ketchup later when she’s in the baking aisle tormenting the poor kid stocking the shelves.

It works like a dream. No more painful meetings at Target or Home Depot or the Post Office. No more long stories about rashes or growths or sore feet or low blood sugar. No more probing questions about Jeannie and me and whether we’ve ever gone to counseling. No more hearing Nancy brag about her daughter, Katie, who goes to college in Oregon (gee, I wonder why Katie goes to school 2500 miles from home).

It’s great and I don’t even have to turn the thing on. Now when I pull into Home Depot even though the parking lot is full I seem to cruise through the store like it’s all mine. I hear people in the store and see them a couple of aisles over but I have the aisles all to myself. When I go to Walmart it’s the same thing, I may see people peeking around the corner but they never bother me and checkout? I’m next. What a great app. I never see Nancy any more or come to think about it, anybody at all. No wonder everyone is using it.

Ya, this thing works like a charm and it certainly keeps you from running into annoying people.

 

Draft day

You’ll probably recall that I have twice mentioned that there are expenses involved with writing posts that are not being covered by advertising revenues or donations from my readers. I told you and most if not all of you ignored me so now I must announce that this may be my last post.

I have decided to enter my name in the NFL draft tomorrow and if I go high enough in the draft and can sign a multimillion dollar contract I won’t be back. For football fans the sting of not being able to read my delightful posts will be offset by my gridiron performances. For the rest of you all I can say is I told you and you ignored me so live with it.

Get in bed

“Get in bed, sweetheart, it’s time to go to sleep.”

“Tell me a story, Grandma.”

“Okay, get in bed. What story do you want to hear, Little Red Riding Hood?”

“No.”

Goldilocks and the Three Bears?”

“No.”

Three little pigs?”

“No.”

Snow White?”

“No.”

“Which one do you want to hear? Grandma’s running out of stories.”

“Tell me the one about how when you were a little girl you would go outside to play and nobody had to watch you to make sure you weren’t stolen away. Tell me the one about how you could leave your bike in the back yard and nobody would take it. Tell me the one about the front door not being locked. Tell me the one about your house not having a security system. I like those stories, Grandma, you make up good stories.”