Fore

So there I was heading up to the tee on the fifth hole at Twin Maples Country Club. That par 5, fifth hole (555 yards) has always given me problems but then I decided, not today.
As I stepped off the golf cart I pulled my driver out of the bag and instead of heading to the mens tee I said to myself, “Bob you are now Roberta”, and I walked to the ladies tee. Now I can’t say that I hit the ball any better but it just seemed that because of the shorter distance I had a little extra confidence when I swung that club. As I got back into the cart (after saying, “Roberta, you are now Bob”) I threw my fist into the air in a victory salute.
I did wonder whether or not I needed to enter some kind of note or asterisk next to my score but I decided that, no, this is a personal choice I am making and it’s nobody’s business if I am Bob or Roberta or Boberta or what I am doing or not doing on or off the golf course. My gender identity is my business.
It did cross my mind though that if I make a big deal out of using the women’s tees while dressed in a golf outfit that said Bob someone might object. If that happens I just might be playing at Boberta’s Twin Maples Country Club in the very near future.

A bright future

I ran into Kenny McMillan Saturday afternoon. He and I were best friends in high school and it was really good to see him. Kenny’s family is one of the most prominent in town (the Parkers—Parker Ford and Parker Real Estate, the Williams—Williams Furniture and Clover Hill Dairy and the McMillans—McMillan’s Country Basket Supermarket and McMillan Bros. Funeral Home) and being Kenny’s friend got me my first job as a bagger at Country Basket.

We talked for awhile and he told me that the family had decided to shut the business down in a couple of months because of changes taking place which do not make the future look good. He said that people are really starting to follow the government guidelines for healthy living and are eating foods that you would not even have known existed ten or even five years ago.

I guess I can understand that. It takes a lot of money to carry inventory and now there are expanded items and brands in almost all food categories—low fat, no fat, low sugar, no sugar, low salt, no salt, low carb, no GMO, lactose-free, gluten-free, organic, no wheat, free-range poultry, grass fed beef. Not only does it cost a great deal for the inventory it also is expensive to expand shelf space to hold the new products.

I told Kenny that working at the Country Basket was an important start for me and that I was sorry to hear about the closing especially since Jeannie and I never liked shopping at Mayer’s Market. Kenny stopped me and said that Country Basket isn’t closing; Country Basket is doing very well. The family had decided to close McMillan Bros. Funeral Home because with the government endorsed and mandated life style and dietary changes people are never going to die.

Remember, not all

“Oh no, look, It’s coming down” and the world watched as Gustave Eiffel’s tower which had stood in Paris since 1887 crumbled into a pile of twisted metal that looked like the pictures of the Hindenburg disaster in 1937. And there could have been no greater shock until at the sound of an explosion the cameras swung around to show a massive black cloud rising above the Louvre Museum which had held priceless antiquities and art masterpieces from around the world.
“Oh, my god, they’ve done it”, and the new live images showed a destroyed Big Ben and Parliament Building in London and smoke rising above the rubble that was once St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome. The shock of seeing these world landmarks come down was greeted with sighs and comforting statements that they were only buildings and that few people had died or were injured and then a shopping mall in Des Moines and theatres in Buffalo, San Antonio, Portland, Tampa, Milwaukee and Atlanta were hit with bombs and gunfire killing 3000 people and vegetables were poisoned at supermarkets throughout the American south killing thousands.
The countries which had been attacked shuddered and the citizens waited in fear until finally the people had had enough and started to stir. As the level of the people’s anger rose those who had been taught well jumped up as one and in a mighty voice screamed out, “not all Muslims are terrorists”.

Next time

“We’ve decided to drive after the trouble we had getting a flight out for Thanksgiving” Aunt Ruthie said when I asked when we could expect her and Uncle Dan for their Christmas visit.
Their Thanksgiving flight was late, you see, because the inbound flight from St. Louis was late because the inbound flight from Milwaukee was late because a storm in the Pacific Northwest had delayed the inbound flight from Portland or someplace and you have to understand and the airline did say, “we apologize for any inconvenience.”
We should not have to understand anything. We pay good money to be transported by air and then have to put up with delays with lame explanations and lies and extra service fees for baggage and crowded planes and no leg room (unless you pay a little extra for an additional two inches) and overbooked flights (“I’m sorry, we’re not going to be able to get you out on the 10:30 flight because it was overbooked but we can get you out at 4:15 on a flight with a 3 hour layover in Albuquerque…”) and we just shrug and say okay because even though we’ll arrive about ten to twelve hours late at least we’ll get out and what else are you going to do?
But then I guess we’ve decided that it’s all about going a thousand miles per hour and isn’t it modern and ever so glamorous and we want to go fast but it takes forever to get through security and it would have almost been faster to drive like Aunt Ruthie and flying is just a miserable way to travel.
“Next time try the train” said the Southern Pacific Railroad’s roadside billboard of the 1930s. And the trains ran on time and they were comfortable and they ran in all types of weather and we let them go because, you know, flying is so very fast and so very modern.

The horn

You really don’t hear it during the day. I guess when you’re sitting there on the train there are too many other sounds and distractions or you’re just too busy watching the world pass by to hear it.
But at night as you sit in the coach dozing or lie in your bed in the sleeper you hear the soft horn leading your train. At night outside there is nothing to see but the lights of farms and small towns and cars on the highway running alongside the railroad right of way. You can’t tell if you’re in New York or Ohio or Kansas or Arizona and so you drift off with only the horn of the engine marking the passage.
Then one night when you’re back home lying there and the bedside clock changes from telling you the time to telling you how long until you have to get up you hear a train horn on the other side of town. You know it isn’t your train and that the sound is probably pulling cars filled with coal or containers or automobiles but as you hear it crossing after crossing it becomes your train’s horn and you fall off to sleep in bedroom C, car 3901.

Finding a solution

Not long after the introduction of the internet it became obvious that instant information was available on almost every subject. The person sitting there at the computer could find details on all types of products and services with the only problem being that there never seemed to be a way to know if all options were being shown.
It wasn’t long though before we started to see exchanges pop up, such as EBay, which matched buyers with sellers who offered the full range of products being sought. EBay made it possible to find those special shoes for an upcoming wedding, Angie’s List helped you find a guy to clean the gutters and with EHarmony you found your soul mate, who I’m sure, was out there looking for you.
I started to think about how these exchanges have changed the way we do business and deal with each other and then I wondered why nobody has used this same exchange idea to address a major problem which plagues the country. We expect there to be a solution for almost every problem so if there is a solution why not develop an exchange to speed up the process of finding that solution and eliminate the problem?
I have seen estimates that range from 650,000 to over 3.5 million Americans who are homeless each year. Whether it’s 650,000 or 3.5 million it’s too many so let’s do something about it.
Then it hit me. Why couldn’t we create an exchange that would match up the homeless with those who can help? It shouldn’t be that hard and so I created a website to make that match possible. Here’s how it works: the homeless person simply goes to a public library, gets on line on the new website, punches in some location information and then he or she is linked up with a real estate agent who has listings of the thousands of homes available in the area.
Another problem solved. Thank you, Al Gore for creating the internet.

To serve you better

When I first read about a proposed increase in water rates I was outraged. It seemed like The Water Department, “Your City Water”, just took an increase.
That last increase was to be used to upgrade the system with a new filtration plant, new water lines and new meters which would reduce labor costs and help the department monitor usage to find leaks and “…move “Your City Water” into the twenty first century” and now they want more money?
But then I guess it was something that needed to be done after all the last major infrastructure improvements were made some fifty years ago and so alright the water is clear and I did get a notice a while ago about a slight water usage increase that let me know that the upstairs toilet was leaking.
But now I’m wondering whether all this water monitoring capability is a good thing. Maybe it’s gone too far. Yesterday I received a letter from Your City Water:
Dear Your City Water customer
As you know from the literature that we sent out about the recent improvements to the water system we now have the ability, using the new digital meters and computer algorithms, to analyze water usage in order to find and repair leaks in the system thereby cutting costs for you the consumer as we work to conserve water and protect the environment for everyone.
We have reviewed water usage for your residence at 1557 Oak Tree Avenue and have noticed a spike in water use over the last six months with most of the additional water being used between 11pm and 7:00 am. Our reports show regular nightly water flows of 1.4 gallons (indicating toilet usage) at 1:00, 2:30, 4:10, 5:30 and a double flush at 6:45 am every other day (all times +/- 15 minutes).
The gang down at Your City Water believes this frequent nighttime toilet usage may indicate that an elderly gentleman at your address has developed an enlarged prostate and recommends that he see his physician or health care provider as soon as possible. Also, someone at your residence might want to think about adding a prune or two to his or her diet.
Very truly yours,
Your City Water
Lou, Judy, Frank, Bernie and Cindy

That’s what I call service, maybe too much service. It’s a new day.

A biography

I’ve always wondered how a biography is written. Take Abraham Lincoln, for example. We know when and where he was born but until he became accomplished how much do we really know about his life? What records are there? I suppose that the authors simply looked at the area and time in which Lincoln lived and created a narrative out of the most likely events. Maybe it does not really matter that much but it would be interesting to know more of the actual day to day details of the early life of a giant of American history.
Now if I ever become famous you won’t have any problem learning all about me.
“It was cold and dreary the morning of January 21st, 2014 (cloudy and 18 degrees but it felt like 5 degrees with the wind chill) when the late model sedan slowly pulled into the Gas and Save at 10:13 (11.192 gallons at $3.69/gallon minus 15 cents per gallon with his fuel perks card). After finishing the fueling the distinguished looking gentleman walked slowly into the Gas and Save store and poured himself a free double latte (every fifth coffee, tea, cold beverage or slushy is free as a member of the Gas and Save beverage club) and off he went.”
“The rest of the day was much like every other day as the good looking fellow left a digital trail all over town buying groceries (saving $1.50 on a pound of chopped ham with his Giant Food Express “Plus Card”), batteries at Radio Shack (no need to give them your phone number anymore with the use of the Radio Shack preferred customer card) and a printer cartridge at Staples using his Staples Rewards card. That night the handsome man and the Mrs. enjoyed the latest Hobbit movie with two large Diet Cokes and a large popcorn at the price of two medium drinks and a medium pop corn using their Movie Max card.”
Between customer reward cards, phone records and the GPS system in the car there were only ten minutes on that cold day in January that we don’t know where I was, what I was buying, what I was doing or what I was saying and texting (I don’t take my phone in the shower).
The biography about me should write itself. Maybe we won’t need an author at all, maybe all that we’ll really need is just some kind of biography app.

Time stands still

There is nothing more wonderful than holding your first newborn. It’s such a very special time in both of your lives. The little eyes, the tiny fingers and toes, the softness, the smell and the warmth of that tiny infant. As you look at the sweet little face you know there is nothing you wouldn’t do for that precious child and you wish that you could hold the baby forever. You don’t see the changes and before you know it the baby is smiling, then crawling, then babbling and then walking. The baby grows so quickly and there is nothing that you can do about it.
But hold on, there is a way to stop time. There is a way to make time stand still. When the baby becomes a child sit down at a table and play Candyland. Time stands still.

Police Guidelines

Should a police officer come upon a person with an item which appears to be a gun the officer should not assume that it is a gun, it may be a toy gun.
If the officer is able to determine that the item is not a toy gun do not assume that what looks like a real gun is loaded (asking the person with the item whether the item is a toy gun or an actual gun will indicate to the person with the item that the police officer is attempting to build trust with a member of the community—now might be a good time to ask the person with the item what the police did to make him or her so angry).
If the officer is able to determine that the gun is loaded because shots are fired do not assume that hearing shots means that bullets were fired, blanks may have been fired.
If the officer is able to determine that bullets have been fired because glass has been shattered or holes now appear in the side of the officer’s cruiser do not assume that the shots were aimed at the police.
If the officer is able to determine that the shots were aimed at the officer because the officer is now bleeding from a gunshot wound do not assume that the shots were intended to be life threatening since all officers are required to wear bullet proof vests which have been provided to protect the officer’s vital organs from gunshots.
If the officer is able to determine that the shots are indeed life threatening because the officer has been hit in the head by one or two shots (preferably two in order to confirm that the shots were not accidentally discharged) the officer should then immediately contact headquarters for instructions (the officer should not allow the witnessing of shots being fired at another officer to influence his or her decision to follow these guidelines).
Contacting headquarters will start three separate actions:

1) The information received from the officer allegedly under fire will be sent to the appropriate committee which can then initiate possible disciplinary action against the officer,
2) The information received from the officer allegedly under fire will be forwarded to the community police board and the mayor’s office so that work can begin on drafting an apology to the community for police actions,
3) The information received from the officer allegedly under fire will be sent to a police action committee which will begin work on the appropriate field recommendations which can then be relayed to the officer in a timely manner.

Once the recommendations of the police action committee are relayed to the officer allegedly under fire he or she will be free to remove the weapon from his or her holster: It is very important that the officer keeps the weapon safety on until further instructions are received from the police field recommendation committee.
If the fire directed at the officer continues, permission for the officer to take the safety off of his or her weapon may follow from the committee if the committee is confident that the officer is trying to establish a dialogue with the alleged shooter in order to diffuse the situation. The committee at this time may determine that the best path is to let the alleged shooter simply run out of ammunition which would then negate the need for deadly force on the part of the officer.
The community/police relations board believes that following these police firearms guidelines will allow trust to be developed between the community and the police department by allowing the community to see that the police are trying to truly live up to their motto: “ To Serve and Protect and Pander”.